Categories
alhamdulillah | الحمدلله dua | دعا qibla | قبله

Promises

I made a lot of promises to God when I was younger. Promises that I would be good if he would just explain to me whether it’s okay to be gay, I would be so good. Until I promised I would be lesbo-celibate until I got the answer.

I broke that promise. I made it when I was 19 and I broke it when I was 20. I felt like I should feel bad. But I didn’t feel too bad. A friend told me we weren’t meant to make those promises. And I accepted that but I felt uneasy about it. All those stories from Islamiat class about all those Sahaba punishing themselves, holding long vigils, depriving themselves and being stoic for God. And here I am.

At 40 I know: you cannot promise Allah that you won’t be human. It is the wrong promise. I bet it makes Allah sad for us, when we do that. When we say I’ll try to be bigger better more angelic more ardent i’ll try to be as good as the Prophet I’ll try.

You cannot promise Allah that you will not be human. Allah doesn’t want that promise.

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